It's been a while since I've been to a community service project. I had forgotten how much fun it can be. I had forgotten how adorable kids can be. I had forgotten how heartbreaking it is to know that they've gone through more than I ever will.
I was at a birthday bash at an abandoned children's center. It's amazing, the joy that I could see on their faces. It made me feel so happy and full of happiness. I missed that feeling of happiness. That feeling that I get only when I'm doing something for absolutely no reason except to help people.
I've fallen in love with Circle-K. Damn those Kiwanis. :P
Though I know I do the same thing, it bothers me when people are full of self pity. "OMG, look at me.. I'm pathetic." Yeah. I'm going to make an effort not to do that anymore. ^_^
My first kiss wasn't all too special. It was on Valentine's day of 8th grade with a boy who gave me a flower. It felt exactly like I imagined it, somebody's lips on my lips. Like any skin touching skin.
I didn't really like it at all.
Not until this past year or so, have I really felt something whenever I kiss someone. Especially that first kiss. The kiss that comes after waiting, thinking, weighing the risks and making the decision to just do it. That kiss... there are no words to describe the feeling.
So soft, with lips slightly parted the first peck... and then the second, harder kiss that makes the whole thing something real and not imagined. It becomes something more than just lips touching lips... The body just reverberates with the feeling of 'yummmm'.
Sigh. And yet, I'm sitting here in my room all alone.
A friend of a friend has a page. WOW! I never even had a clue she was such a good artist. =} She's such a cutie, too. Hope I get to see her again sometime.
I miss Katie. Just wanted to get that out there... She's awesome!! I can't wait until I can put her under the list of 'bloggers I've met'. =P 'course, we knew each other before blogger even existed. hohoho.
I didn't realize until just now that he is still in my "about" section. I guess I should take him off. It's weird, how I'm reluctant to do that. I feel as if changing things on my site, or speaking about it directly on the site truly brings a sense of finality to our relationship.
Doob? Dooby dooby doo? Hehe. Yet another blogger/journaler met through the beautiful network! HELL yeah. I feel bad, though, he saw me at one of my worst -- angry, flushed and throwing a tantrum. Cold, flushed and rolling on the floor. Tired, uncontrollable laughter and red eyes.
Some experiences can be remembered, most lost in the abyss of my mind. If you told me to tell you what happened that night, I would only remember snippets. I've never felt so angry, so insulted in my life... But at the same time, I've never loved friends so much and trusted people so much. I've never been scared of police officers befor either.
A whole night full of random first experiences.
---The Night----
I saw one of those glass blow up things being used for the first time in my life. It makes a rather pleasant bubbly sound. Weird how I can't smell anything. Am I weird? I guess so. Everyone says the smell is very distinctive. It smells distinctively like air to me.
I'm told that my nails are unique to other girl's nails. They're real, but they're in square shape, so you get the thin scratch affect at the same time as the blunt nail affect. Weird, I suppose. It comes from too much typing though.
It's funny how when we break rules, we make up excuses about how it's OK. "We're not where the rules apply anymore, so we're allowed to do this."
There were four girls there last night. WHen I walked in they were freaking each other. Kind of scary, really. But the three that I saw at first were pretty hot. But then the fourth one turned around... And I decided I needed a drink.
The word "Horse" escaped my mouth about 50 times in relations to her face. Among other things. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life. I almost resulted to violence... But dave convinced me that it wasn't worth the arm exertion. Plus, the mess would be hard to clean up.
At one point in the night, I kicked James in the butt and when asked why, I said something like "I guess I was meant to be a gay man. I love sodomy"... Or something to that respect. Strange.
I questioned myself a lot last night.
At one point, my body felt like... Jelly. I felt like the way David's body looks when he's dancing. Though, I know I probably looked more like a rag doll.
James took me home... Even though I drove there [funny thing, I was going to drive somewhere today and searched the parking lot for 5 minutes before I realized that my car was still at Dave's house]. Weird stuff.
At two different times in the night, I found myself wearing a hat... with no idea how it got on me. At one point, I was carrying a bear and couldn't figure out where it came from
Waylan and I discussed the rules of etiquette regarding giving a massage.
---- End Last Night----
Today I didn't feel that bad. Especially after I had something to eat. After eating I felt way better. I was surprised. Last time I felt queasy the whole day.
My friend Adrian from school came along. He's a really awesome guy. We gossipped about school friends and etc. It's weird, but I still actually care about the people we've known since middle school. I thoght I had gotten past all that.
Adrian's one of those few people that I'll actually miss having around.
Went to Dave's house to get my car back. Dave fed me and Adrian. Good stuff, too. I haven't had real rice in a long time.
subject: Bookmarks and female bonding
time: 12:21 AM PST
dear friend,
AHAHAHAH In a search for a better way to procrastinate for work, I decided to start making bookmarks. Soon, my mission was joined by my roommate, and then her friend and soon more people were dropping by to see waht the racket was!! AHAHAH ohh what fun!! =D we made HEECKKAA cool bookmarks. =}
“What happens to Goths when they reach their mid-to-late thirties? Does the look transfer smoothly into some other style? Or do they generally give it up altogether?
Do they give their old choke chains to the family dog? Does the old black lipstick now only come out for Halloween parties?
What happens when they can no longer hide the wrinkles under the pancake makeup, and they begin feeling like a clown -- Do they just pack up their neon hair extensions and start shopping for clothes at Sears?
I mean, we can't all be Stevie Nicks, prancing about in lacy witch clothing well into our senior citizen years.
The answer lies in the Internet…. It has provided a final refuge for aging Goths! The ones with enough sense to realize how silly they look doing deathdances to the Damned on darkened dancefloors in smoky clubs, sagging tits and asses jiggling obscenely. It allows them to live long past their shelf life by providing a community, the only place where they can still out-goth the next generation of Hot Topic neophytes. Chatrooms, so they can go on about how the younger generation ain’t keepin’ it real.
Like the ‘vampyres’ they imitate, they obtain immortality -- through the magick of Photoshop and high-contrast webcams. Skin forever porcelain, lips forever black, eyebrows forever gone…. Forever Goth.”
Some people have mentioned that I have a cloud of sadness that follows me around -- a cloud that momentarily takes over my face as certain subjects are brought up. It's weird -- I always thought that I was good at hiding my emotions.
I've always been one of those people that's happy-go-lucky. I try to let nothing phaze me and keep myself happy. Inside, though... It can be a different story. Sometimes the case is -- the bigger I smile, the louder I talk the more nervous and shitty I'm feeling. About the things around me and about myself.
It's hard being an insecure teenager prone to self-introspection that's deeper than it really is. I think if I took my life at a purely surface value I would have a lot more happiness. I'd never try to analyze my own feelings and therefore never have to worry about preventing other people from feeling the way I do.
I'd love to break away
To a place where
People can say
Hi there
Without inhibition
I'd like to hold your hand
And grasp your soul
To make you understand
That friendship has no toll
Outside of fiction
I want to be free
Far from all of this
Far away from me
Gesso the canvas
Put the keys in the ignition
I'd like to drive away
Start anew
Where everything is okay
Lots to do
subject: A search for greatness
time: 09:40 AM PST
dear friend,
Great poets take time on their poetry. Great poets have talent. Great poets can edit and re-edit their poetry until it's a beautiful thing. I am not a great poet.
I cannot write poetry unless it's an outburst of emotion -- a sudden *ding!* that makes me want to just sit down and write. The same thing goes with most of my writing... My stories... Etc. I wish I had the talent to edit.
Because I don't write here doesn't mean I don't care. Because I didn't reply to your e-mail doesn't mean I didn't read it. Because I'm silent doesn't mean I'm not here.
There are so many things going on right now around me and inside of me. Please don't be angry at any rash actions I have done or will do in the recent past and future.
You know when you find out something... Something that makes you feel really bad... So bad that you can't cry... So bad that you can't really talk to anyone about it because you just want to forget about it... Something that makes you feel sick to your very core? Yeah. Just had one of those moments.
It's not anyone's fault but mine. I'm the one that left myself open for even such a possibility. But it still hurts all the same.
I lost what I wrote earlier and I can't even remember what I wrote. HEHE! Ghetto crazy. Anyhow... I've been running around stealing CHUPACHUPS from other people's cups and shit. DUDE! I love those candies and I'll stoop to any level to get some. I'm a fucking chupa chup maaaaaaaaaniac.
=D I love you all! SINNOCENCE bumped me up to portal 9! wOOOOT! I feel all special and shit now. =D Silag's new site looks like a girl made it! HOT GIRL from HOLLAND linkin' me. I feel so special!! =D I'm going INTERNATIONAL! WOOOOT.
I went to a party last night... It was pretty much my first real party since I got to college... It was interesting... I actually don't remember that much... But I remember a guy getting beat up by a bunch of other big guys and a couple people trying to put their arms around me.
I tense up a lot when people I dont know put their arms around me. People must think I'm a freak.
I got asked about twenty times if I was a raver. GODDAMNIT... I'm not a raver! This is my first party. I did meet a nice guy who was into Anime and Dragon Ash, though... But then James came in and was like "there's a fight! we gotta jet!."... Well, I dont know exactly what he said... but it was along those lines...
It's OK, though... I think he was trying to put his arm around me too. =T
I hate people who try to make excuses to touch you. Like this one guy... He kept asking me if I was Ok and kept trying to hold onto my arm and I was like goddamnit... If I wanted to hang onto you, I would have done it out of my own free will. And then this other guy who made me walk down hella steps even though I was like... I don't think I can handle those right now. =T He was like 'You want me to carry you?' I was like ... In that case, i'd rather take the stairs by myself.
I realize that everything is really fragmented right now... Segmented into weird little paragraphs. I can't really help it, though. I'm thinking like that. God, I hope I feel better by Monday.. I think I have a paper to write for Writing already.
Anyhow... I realize I'm a really perverse person. I want things I can't have with a mad desire. I crave them, I burn for them... But then after I've had them... I just want to move on. It's a part of human nature, I know... But I still want to hit myself for it.
I've run out of steam. I have so much more to write, but no will to write it. Later, I suppose
There are some dorms that are always quiet and some dorms that have a constant stream of people coming in and out at any given time. Mine is the latter. It's an interesting experience just sitting there on the couch and chillin... People come in, tell their story... and sometimes sit down to listen to other people's ish. Hehe. =]
Since it's just Welcome Week everybody's SOOOO freakin' nice... It's kinda cool, yet freaky at the same time. =] I hope it lasts for at least a month. I want to keep the illusion that I'm neato or something.
A lot of people seem to be recognizing me. Not because I'm recognizable... But because my backpack is recognizable. HAHA! I guess not many people wear bright ass blue robowan backpack all the time. :) It's all good, it gives me character!! GOSHDARNIT! Character! Some people even said I look really cute dancing with it. :P~~ Hehe. Maybe it increases my rhythm.
I went to get my shots yesterday, but like instead I ended up seeing a freaking counselor for an hour. =T Because of my lack of sleep, though... I ended up getting no shots at at all.
Anyhow. More to write later. =} DAMN. I've been going to every event, man! Hehehe sometimes it's even beneficial. I won $10 at anchor blue hehe. I won't mention why, tho. ^_^;;
It's strange how things change as they get older... and people change when they get older. I remember back in the day, when people would be completely different online and offline. When and *if* I ever met somebody offline, they'd be totally different acting than I ever imagined... But now, most people I meet are exactly the way they portray themselves on the 'net... =D Or strangely, sometimes they're even better than I imagined. Strange.
Is it a change in the way we view the 'net as a communication device? Or is it a change related to becoming older and less insecure about yourself and therefore not needing to lie?
Wow. 7:30 AM. Damn, I'm pretty goddamn tired. Teehee! Yesterday was really interesting -- filled with shaking millions of hands and saying 'hi' to tons of people. At one point I got really hyper and started bouncing off the walls.
Some people just don't have an appreciation for laffytaffy the way I do.
Anyhow, damn. My head is totally unclear right now. =} Lack of sleep has caused my gears to run even slower than usual if that's even possible. :) My new computer is pretty goddam fast.
I miss my mommy!
But at the same time, it's nice to know that she's not going to be nagging me all the time. She kept yelling at me when we were here, as if after 18 years of upbringing she was going to change me [if she hadn't already moulded me] in the last hour. =}
subject: Things that bother me.
time: 11:14 AM PST
dear friend,
The attack on the WTC brought many people together... Brought out the beautiful side of human nature -- the usually hidden instinct to help one another as a species. I've been watching the news and being touched by all the firefighters, all the policement working hard and risking their lives that they might save others. Seen the pictures of people lining up to give blood all the funds that have been put up to help the people affected by the tragedy.
However, through the midst of the sudden beauty and shine of humanity, I'm beginning to also witness the worst, most terrifying traits of human nature. Apathy, prejudice, and maliciousness.
Apathy... as i've seen here and here disturbs me to the very core. People who simply don't care -- people who are more worried about the mall closing because of the terrorist attacks than the fact that our nation has been brutally targeted and that thousands of people died.
I'm ashamed to be a part of a society in which there exist people who feel that way.
Prejudice... as I've seen satired here and experienced here, I've also seen first hand in my own family and with my friends. As if the workings of a few extremists can tell us how all muslims feel. It's as if saying the KKK represents what all white Christians believe.
It hurts to see people turning against one another. When will people close their eyes to hate?
Malicious thoughts and acts towards others. On both sides because of this prejudice there maybe more bloodshed. More deaths... And to what end? It all seems so pointless.
"An eye for an eye just makes the world go blind," the words of Mahatma Gandhi.
So many people working in the WTC and Pentagon and those people in the planes. How many of them had a page? a blog? How many spilled their souls to us on the Internet... never to be found? Where are they now? Lost in cyberspace no doubt.
Maybe when I find the strength, I'll find them and read them all. They're there for a reason, right?
I just realized my folly in creating a website that features a building from the ground up. I get really bad vertigo whenever i look up at skyscrapers or up at flagpoles... Anything super tall in general. After staring at my page for a while... I'm beginning to feel vertigo just looking at it.
I'm such a weakling. Suddenly I find myself unable to sleep. Every time I close my eyes the vision of people jumping from buildings... terrified Americans rushing the streets... and the image of crushed human beings underneath 60 feet of rubble plays in my mind as if my eyelids are some kind of grotesque moviescreen.
It really is like a movie... you know. I never realized how realistic those special effects were until now. Until I realized how desensitized I was already to the pictures being displayed on my screen. Until I realized... That's not just a cardboard box with a makeshift plane cutting through it. That's a 747 cutting through the fucking WTC.
The TV is beginning to play other things than the news. I have no more excuse to think of the things that have been happening... But I can't. I don't think I can rest easily until every thing that can be found out is found out... And those that should be punished are punished.
For now... I just want to be able to go to sleep without imagining the cries of those poor people in wheelchairs at the stairway hoping somebody -- anybody -- will help them down the stairs.
I guess it's not too hard to explain my current layout. I never made an aaliyah tribute... so bare with me on this one. I just needed somewhere to vent out my anger... and what better place thatn adobe photoshop and notepad, right? yeah. sigh. I'm really not trying to beat this into the ground. It's just my mode of expression.
You will notice that this is the only section of this newsletter. This is
because there is nothing else that I can tell you about The Equality
Project that is anywhere near as important as the message I wanted to send
to you all today.
Yesterday, September 11, 2001 the United States of America was attacked by
terrorists. The death toll may reach the thousands. The Equality Project
joins with the world in grieving those who have been lost and in sympathy
for their families. I pray that none of you have lost loved ones, but I
know that we are all saddened by the fact that anyone did at all.
I am writing this edition of our newsletter today, however, as an appeal to
you. As many of you may have heard, in our grief and horror over these
recent events, some misguided people have been sending hate mail and making
threatening phone calls to Muslim groups. Several major Muslim websites
have had to be shut down and many Muslim community centers have been closed
as a result.
For another related story, how an online chat room became a "virtual
battleground", please read the following news story available on Yahoo!:
http://us.news2.yimg.com/f/42/31/7m/dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010912/wr/att
ack_internet_arabs_dc_1.html
Though I am sure that none of The Equality Project members would engage in
such hateful acts as you all joined this project because of your beliefs, I
implore all of you to let your voice be heard by all of those around you.
We do not yet know for certain who is responsible for these attacks, yet we
do know for sure that it was the fault of individuals, not an entire group
of people and certainly not an entire faith.
If ever there was a time when we were sure of just how important whatever
small changes the work that we do with The Equality Project are, it has to
be now. We must stand beside our Arab sisters and brothers in our
collective grief. People of all faiths and all backgrounds have been lost.
Let us not diminish their memory or their families' grief. We must resist
the temptation to blame entire groups of people for the actions of a few.
Now is a time for the world to come together as one to make a stand against
terrorism anywhere in the world against any nation's people. Now is a time
to move beyond our political and social differences and join together in
honor of furthering the cause of co-operation among nations and a universal
respect for all human life.
This is not an American tragedy and it is not a tragedy because it happened
to the US. This is a human tragedy of enormous proportion. As an American
living in Canada, my personal experience has been that the world is indeed
grieving over this tragedy regardless of nationality or ethnicity or
religious affiliation. Make no mistake, this was not only an attack on the
US people, but an attack on the world as a whole by individuals who
obviously hoped to plunge the world further into the depths of war and
hatred. We must stand together and refuse to allow that to happen.
What You Can Do:
* Speak up. Let your voice be heard. Use your voice to bring comfort and
calm. If you hear someone making racist comments, please speak up and
remind them that these were the actions of a few individuals, not all
Arabs, not all Muslims. Remind them that these actions, if in fact
eventually proven to be the result of Arab terrorists, remain the
responsibility of those individuals. Terrorists come from all groups of
people, from all walks of life, from all nationalities. Let us not make
this tragedy worse by terrorizing our fellow human beings as these
terrorists have done. We must show more compassion than they have shown
their victims.
* If you are spiritual, please pray to your deity/deities for their
guidance and comfort in this time of need.
* If you feel comfortable doing so, please light a candle in honor of those
who have been lost and those who are grieving their lost loved ones.
Please also light a candle in honor of healing our wounded world.
* If you are able, please consider donating blood. Blood can come from all
over and is needed from all who can give, not just those in New York and
DC. From what I heard last night, they are particularly in need of O type
blood, but they need all types of blood.
* If you are able, please also consider donating money to organizations
like The Red Cross who are providing aid and comfort to the survivors as
well as assisting in the enormous recovery and clean-up effort.
So my sane brother finally arrived in SJ and brought some reason into my house and convinced my mom to stay. My other brother, his wife and his daughter ended up going to Fresno without us. Well, that or stockton. I can't remember.
So I'm back. And I'm here... REJOICE! :)
Anyhow... Yeah, to those of you that were writing in my thing about it not making sense on leaving... It's not like I'm the one that wanted to go... I was just following the rest of my family in their over paranoid excursions.
It's really not their fault. They've already lived thru one war and they have the 'better be safe than be sorry' mentality.
I'll be gone for a while. Probably a few days. My parents are scared because we live in the Silicon Valley [ near sf ]. Well, my mom and brothers anyhow. I guess it's because they lived through the vietnam war -- and had to escape from it.
Anyhow, because of that I'll be gone for a couple days. We're going somewhere where there's less people and stuff.
I hope the highways are still open by the time we leave. I'm suddenly reminded of The Handmaid's Tale.
It's 7 AM and I've been shaken awake and completely shocked by the security bubble of my safe little country popping. The airports are shut down -- Washington in panic -- one of the two world trade centers... gone. Some of the very staples of our country. Is this simply some very strong terrorist within? Or is another country trying to wage war on us?
As we sat here and twiddled our thumbs and said "Haha, we're strong and you're not." Some envious beast must have taken it to mean that it's time for war.
Who in the world would do such a thing? Who would want to destroy our government? Why now? Probably because our government is weak... puzzling about the budget and whatnot. Now, money will probably be no longer an issue.
Well, here's Bushes chance, if it comes to waging war. He gets to be the big man. We'll go to war and ultimately drop into the Greater Depression. Sounds lovely. Somehow, I suddenly hope that this is just some random terrorist attack. Weird, wishing for a terrorist attack.
So I finally get my housing and I look at the dreaded roommate paper and the first thing that caught my eye was "Fresno"... FRESNO? Isn't that where white people and rednecks and killer gangs live? OH NO! My roommate's going to be a white killer redneck who's in a gang! I thought.
But then I read her name. Asian! I thought, surprised. [Even though UCI is 65% asian so I should have known.] Hmm... Maybe she won't be a killer redneck afterall.
OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE'S.... A TYPPIE BITCH?
...Yeah, these were the things that were flowing through my mind before I called her up and talked to her. She's actually really very nice and sounds relatively normal. ^_^ I like it. She has a boyfriend who's going to go to UCI too. Cool... Huh.
So yeah, I told her I'm a sanrio fan, and if things ever get too cute that she felt sick, she should just tell me. Apparently she's a greenbay packer's fan... So I think we'll get along just fine. :D
There are beautiful people... And then those people who are beautiful -- but you don't know why. It's weird. Some people don't have what generally is thought of as 'good looking' ... but have some charismatic trait to them that just makes them irresistable.
Take Sean Connery for example. He's OLD. But shomehow shtill shecksy. It's not like I find him a BEAUTIFUL person... But I think that he's one of the most attractive guys out there.
And then there are those really supposedly beautiful people that I feel repelled by. Like... Pamela Anderson. I know she's supposed to be gorgeous and all - but I can't really see the attractiveness there.
I think girls like Uehara Takako from Speed
are so much more attractive to me... Even if she isn't what is always prescribed as prettiness. [seen below].
I guess it's all a matter of taste. Maybe I don't have any.
I feel sucked into my computer... An overwhelming drawing towards the internet... Into this world where I'm a different 'me'. Whether it's the "real" me or if it's just the personality I want to project -- I can't tell. Perhaps it's a little bit of both and neither. It's become a part of who I am.
It's almost scary, really... But I feel helpless against the pull. It's as if this world is becoming more real to me than the 'real' world sometimes. At least the drama is. Maybe I'm just becoming desensitized by the 'net. It's the only thing that continues to shock me.
Real life isn't as shocking as the things that people make up in their heads.
There's something so nice and pleasant about going through the directories of your old webpages. Sometimes there are funny things uploaded that you have no idea how they got there... SOmetimes there are things that bring a rush of memories.
I think that's why I love my domain so much. I've had it for over 2 years... and the things that are lost on the server [ sometimes to be found ] bring back such nice memories to me.
I'm one of those people who has many photo albums. :)
I'm probably the world's most terrible packer. I always throw in things that I'll never need and leave some essentials at home. That's just the way I've always been -- absentminded is to say it lightly. So, in packing for college, I've decided to start early. As in... Now. I don't even know where to start other than underwear bedding and my computer.
I should probably make a list. I usually make lists... But then I lose them and it defeats the whole purpose. Lists are fun to make, though. They're a wonderful waste of time if you're into those kinds of things. Time-wasting things that is.
That's probably why I own a planner. Some weeks I don't even look into my planner. But it's there. It's my diversion when things become boring and dull. It's a good way to pass the time away. And a good way to make myself feel busy and productive -- when in truth, I'm bored and doing nothing.
Back to packing, though. I've never been away from home this long before... So I don't even know how many clothes to bring. Should I bring two suitcases or three? How many pairs of shoes? Should I bring winterwear? Will I be overpacking if I fill my car? Will I be underpacking?
What KINDS of clothes should I bring... Should I bring any formalwear? Na... I'm not planning on going ot anything fancy.. But it might come in handy, right? Maybe not.
subject: Zit Files-2 and Sweet people
time: 08:50 AM PST
dear friend,
So yeah. The one really big one finally went away. I was very happy... But then last night upon arriving home I find another bigger [albeit much paler and flatter...] lurking underneath my skin on the OTHER side. Oy vay. :( I think it's because of stress. Or something.
Ahh.... The Mos' Diggable Will Santos is back once more to fill our lives with pinoy goodness. ;) Winkness. Also, this sweet girl Faith linked me up HOHOHO. :)
I once was the proud owner of many goldfish in a tank. By the end of the month, the count was down to half the goldfish in the tank. By the end of the month after that -- they were all dead.
Some of my friends have goldfish that have lived in ... cups... for years and years. Some even almost ten years.
Either they have mutant fish... or I am terrible with animal care.
PARIS, France - Author Gerard Courcel, who describes himself
as the world's greatest "Peeping Tom" has Paris feminists up
in arms over his latest book; Peeping... and Getting Away
With It. The book details his 20 years of exploits of
zeroing in on nude women. Among his controversial boasts is
the claim that he has looked in on more than 40,000 women.
subject: Hate my current computer.
time: 01:17 PM PST
dear friend,
I hate it when I write a big long post and MSIE errors... and then poOf! There goes my post. Byebyebye. Now I'm not in the mood anymore. It's not the same. The fervor is gone. I am done.
THANK YOU Windows for putting a damper on my creative process.
It's weird to think that in only a little more than a week, I'll be living away from my mom for the first time in my entire life. It's almost unreal, really. It seems more like I'm going on a really long trip rather than actually leaving home, though... Maybe that's why it's not as scary as it should be.
It's like I'm riding the bike of adulthood -- only with training wheels.
Nobody really remembers the birthday of a building. Buildings consider their birthday the first day in which the construction workers are done. From the germination of an idea to that point, one is simply in the womb and whatnot.
I am a building. I'm pretty old -- about fifty years old -- and have a sweet family living inside of me. They take care of me, fix me up, put nice new coats of paint on me and take care of my gardens. I love them. But, there's something that's been bothering me.
Today is the double celebration of the young daughter's eighth birthday and the grandmother's eighty-first birthday. Then it struck me. Nobody knows the birthday of a building. Well, no one remembers it anyhow.
Some buildings get special celebrations on their first birthday -- but even those birthdays get forgotten by the next year.
But why not? Why don't people celebrate our birthdays? We're living beings too. We grow, we die, and we -- just like people -- live varied lives.
Some of us have interesting lives, some of us normal an even straight up boring lives. Some of us are clean, some of us are dirty. We even get injured, can get growth spurts, and in some cases, amputated.
We die just like everyone else. We get run down and old with time without the proper care (sometimes even with the proper care).
So how come no one remembers our birthdays? It's sad, really.
It's as if I want to keep a secret from the world. Some days, I actually have events that occur... but I still don't feel like posting. It's like a certain feeling of reluctance. A feeling that maybe I should keep what happened to me today, my thoughts today, and my life today to myself. It's not even as if anything special happened. Maybe it's BECAUSE nothing special happened that I'm reluctant to write. But then, I've written about what happens when less has happened.
Friezlog is a really cool blog about this guy who likes Anime. Weirdest thing! I was reading his page because I go there through Fairvue... I was like... Wow, this site is pretty tight.
ANd then something struck my eye "bubblesung"... "Hey!" I said, "That's Stephiee's site... Whoa, small world. I looked up a sentence and see a link to Cacophony... ANOTHER site that is on my link list to the left right there.
"This is too weird."
But then, I finally saw it... "Madpimp.com" (titled "SEXY" no less!) linked. ANd then it clicked. ^_^ He must have come to me just like I came to him! through Fairvue. Heheh... And then saw Opane, Stephiee and "Shinekomi" through ME!... Boy do I feel silly. ^_^; Hehehe. At first I thought it was just some big coincidence.
But of course. The 'net has made 6 degrees of separation become like.. 2 degrees smaller. Which is 4. For you mathless people.
A quick search on google proves me right. This "hexillusion" fellow is in the habit of defacing guestbooks everywhere. Well... I guess everyone needs to have SOMETHING to do in their spare time, right? ^_^*?
A long time ago, when my webpage was still on AOL, I had a guestbook on guestpage.com. Guestpage had a design contest in which I entered -- and actually won a spot on the best design page.
Winning that [haha in my crap-stage of design no less] came as, suprisingly, a burden. I ended up having to erase at least 5 messages a month from people who A. tried to forward my page to their page [you can do that in guestpage]... Or would just mess up my page completely through stylesheets, layers and whatevers. Very annoying.
So I go there today and see big banners across my now BLACK [originally white] page saying "Hexillusion OWNZ j00!" all over the page. Great.
Internet graphitti. What will they come up with next?
Yeah, that's what I said to Katie in referral to this: sexy in an old mannish way type guy. So what makes him sexy? Perhaps it's the eyebrow thing. I dig the brow. But then, what makes him young, yet so oldmannish at the same time? Perhaps it's the gotee. Or maybe I'm just used to Asian men who look 5 years younger than White men at almost any given age.
Don't get me wrong, I like old mennish men! I don't dislike them at least. A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/the_lilypad/50eggs/">this guy just happens to remind me of one. Like sean connery.
He's probably closer to my age than sean connery though.
P.S. Everyone congratulate him on learning how to make circles! Woo yay!
How does junk pile up so fast? It's so weird! I clean out my room, take out the trash and all that junk regularly, but before I know it, my room's a dump again! It's as if all my hard work ends up amounting to nothing. I know what you're thinking... "Why don't you just put things back where you're supposed to... Or just stop cleaning?"
I can't stop cleaning because I'll go crazy after a couple days after it reaches peak messienss.
But then... I'm probably the most absentminded person I know... I can't even remember to put my clothes on the right way sometimes. So that doesn't work either.
Sigh, I guess I'll just have to keep on as I have been then, huH? >_< Hope I don't get a neatfreak roommate in college.
subject: Woohoo! Links links links!
time: 11:27 AM PST
dear friend,
Not included on my sidebar links, but still want to be linked? Go to my:Free For All Link Page and link yourself away... :) Even if you are already on the side. Hehe. [It's pretty empty right now... like.. No links.
subject: Would you like a bowl of whorage?
time: 02:05 PM PST
dear friend,
Meant tho put these up eariler, but forgot. :)
She thinks that the anime sillouhite I made of me is a little hitler man! Haha. She even commented on the shoes. :P They're sposed to be loose socks. Hee hee. Guess I'm not a good artist afterall!
She complemented my madpimp.com layout. Teehee. I'm so honoured!
Why do people always insist on bringing up the things that bother you most? Those things that you would rather forget, those things that you're most ashamed of, those things that are better not discussed. Those things that hurt you? Do they gain some sick pleasure, some feeling of superiority that makes them feel as if they're better than you?
Why is it that the things you don't want to talk about, they want to press the issue? Can't they tell by the short answers, the hesitations in the replies and the changing of the subject that you don't want to talk about it? Or is it fun to see your so-called 'friend' fidget trying to reply about things that they don't talk about. The funniest part is when they ask:
Are you crying?
No, I'm not crying. Do you want me to? Would that make you feel better? Would it make you stop asking me these questions? Do you like it when people cry? Does it make you feel strong? And then they can give their mock sympathy, right? And walk away feeling as if they've done all they can for their poor unfortunate friend. You know, that one that is always unhappy for one reason or another.
"Inquiring minds want to know," they claim. Yeah, you want to know all those deep down dirty secrets... So that you can pretend to feel sorry for me and feel like you're doing good. And it's never the good things I've done, either. It's the times that i hesitate to answer that the "Inquiring minds want to know."
Why is it that I'm not afraid to bare my soul to a stranger? Why is it that it's so much easier for me to spew all my feelings to somebody I don't know. Why is it so much scarier speaking to somebody I've known for years? -- because those are the people who'll give me the most probing questions. The people whose appetites aren't satisfied by the surface level happenings of my life. They want to know the details.
Why must I sit here and relive the things that I would rather forget? It's not that interesting to you -- don't pretend it is. It's not like you can help me anyway -- why do you have to know about it?
Do I seem overly bitter? Why don't you try thinking of the things that you've done that you would most like to forget. And then have someone who's supposedly supposed to be your friend ask you months later "why did you do that?" "why did this happen?" "What do these results mean?" "So you did this for what?"
Yeah, if that doesn't hurt then I applaud you because it sure as hell fucking hurts me having people make me relive shit that I've been trying to forget.
Bamboozled Jason into picnic-ing with me today and realized on the way there that this was the first 'official' picnic I've ever had. I've never actually had an in-the-park not a big group outing and not in the back yard type picnic before. It was quite pleasant. After I ate 3 sandwiches, chips, a popsicle [from the ice cream man that I've known since childhood], Hello Panda cookie thingies, and eyed the Pocky... I just laid my head on his arm and we fell asleep together underneath the dense shade of a tree and a clear, blue sky. It was like a fairy tale.
It seems boring in retrospect, to fall asleep together... But for me it feels like one of the most intimate things you can do with someone else. It's like you're letting all your guards down and trusting yourself to them completely.
That, and the soft warm breeze, the sound of children playing in the distance and a terribly full stomach made for a beautiful afternoon.
It's weird how I have such a mixture of hostees on my site. From olympic champion to signed musician / model, it seems like I have people from all walks of life. I think the best part about this though is getting to know the people you host, and learning that they're spectacular people on the inside and not just the way they portray themselves on the 'net. Hehe! I guess that's why some people stay on madpimp.com for years and then others for a coupla months. WEIRD.
So yesterday I woke up with these 2 humungo zits on my face. One litterally right in the middle of my face and one... close enough to the middle to piss me off. What must one do in this situation? I have webcam pics to update! I have places to go! I'm moving to college in 2 weeks. Don't want people to think that I'm dirty and I don't wash my face! Eeek!... You know, all this worrying is probably just going to cause more to pop up.
Cocky Ass Bastard. At first I thought it was nice to see a viet guy portray himself in a positive light... But to post "Fanmail" up for the world to see. That's just really sad. Who owns a website that HASN'T gotten fanmail? Come ON. You're not that great, man. Get off your high horse and stop thinking you're "DEEPER" than everyone else... Because the moment you think you're "DEEP". You're not.
People comprehend, buddy. People just don't think your message is all that great.
I'm also going through PMS. Just to let everyone know.
I just noticed my brother's last four zipcode numbers are "1337" as in... 9#### - 1337. HAHA! If I lived there I'd SO abuse that. :T 'Course I don't... So only my brother is 1337.
Does spamming really work all that well? I mean, how many people actually OPEN mails that say "BARLEY LEGGAL YOUNG MALES!".... or "I'LL SUCK COCK FOR YOU"... I know I sure as hell don't -- unless by accident -- and even then... I don't bother reading it. It just seems so useless to me, this marketing scheme.. Yet it's so rampant.
Let's say they send the e-mail to 1,000 people and of the 1,000 people maybe 100 people open up the mail and then of the 100 people who open the mail 50% is on purpose. Then that's 50 people who go to the site. But let's say 10 of those people were just curious as to what these things lead to, which brings it down to 40 customers. And then there's the 5 that just wanted to get a good laugh [some have really good titles], and then the 10 that were tricked by one of those messages that's really cryptic like "hi this is jessica you never emailed me back! click here". So that leaves 15. Out of the 15 probably 5 will leave because of the annoying popups and then 10 remain. Out of the 10 that remain 8 will be scared away by the fact that they have to pay MONEY to see pr0n. [why pay $ when you don't have to, right?]
That leaves 2 subscribers out of 1000 initial prospective customers. Is it really worth all that?
