coherant paragraphs and dramatic first sentences flowed through my head during some of the worst times. subjects that were actually interesting, universal, finally came to mind. i wanted to get up and write -- but i couldn't. i was too busy letting the words flow through my head, letting the full paragraphs fly by, letting my story take me completely and then leave me. empty, exhausted... and trying to remember the exact wording that i had used to describe things to myself.
any attempt to recapture the clear moments of the past few days would just cheapen their effect for me. thus explains my recent quiet.
when the god-like guise of the internet is taken away and we once again become human -- when people and places that we read about suddenly become real... what does it all mean? does it mean that we now know each other better because we read each other's most intimate thoughts? or that we're more prone to suspicion, hurt, anger and betrayal because of it.
what happens when you fool yourself into believing that the person you read about is the same person that you're meeting? what happens when those beautiful thoughts, wonderful writing, and confused soul begins to wreck havoc in your world?
would you be able to leave it-- this thing that causes you so much pain that you hold so dearly to your soul? would you come back again... saying to yourself "this time it's different" though you know it's the same as before?
and what of that person who is causing the trouble? do they know how much pain they're causing you? no. their internet personae makes it seem as if nothing is their fault. it reminds me of a symptom my friends and i used to make fun of. it's called "i'm always the victim, without exception".
take away the internet guises and what do we have remaining? people who are scared, love to much and too little at the same time, give their hearts to the wrong people.
of course, this could just be delerium talking. too much medication and whatnot. i hate the random shit that goes through my mind.
"You don't know what love is. I hate it when people say they love this and they love that... and they don't even know what it feels like"
Is the feeling of love really that hard to achieve? Sometimes I wonder if I'm incapable of feeling love. My own mother said something like that to me once. I remember clearly. It was one of the first times that I ever really took anything she said to heart. It hurt so badly.
She had been yelling at me all morning. I was lying in bed and trying to ignore her by saying "yes yes yes". Suddenly, in a flurried anger, she screamed at the top of her lungs "You don't love me! You don't know what love is! You'll never be able to love anybody. You have no feelings".
I remember crying for days after that, every time I thought of it.
my mother called me at 9 oclock this morning to tell me about what a fuck up i am in life. she also called to tell me how much more of a fuck up i could have been if she hadn't 'saved' me. saved me from what? myself? i don't know if she realizes that i'm running away from her -- have been running away from her. that the reason that i don't call isn't because i'm busy, but because i don't miss her.
i feel heartless. i'm not one bit homesick.
i hate the way i feel after talking to her. it's the feeling that i'm an inconvenience to the world. this, coming from the person who bore me. yeah, it's a pretty awful feeling.
ever notice how beautiful people are when they're sleeping? even if they're ugly or annoying, they're actually tolerable when they're asleep... but if they're cute or hot... they're just utterly beautiful... simply perfect... in their sleep-state. why is that? why is it that people look so beautiful when they're sleeping? maybe it's because they give the semblance of being relaxed. maybe it's the innocence that shines through during sleep. the lack of expression giving way for the viewer's interpretation.
all day today [well, yesterday, i suppose it is now...] i've been getting this weird feeling in my tummy. it's that anxious feeling -- you know, the butterflies you get in your stomach when something big is about to go down. the weird thing is -- absolutely nothing is about to go down. why do i feel this way? what am i anxious about? i don't know.
at three different points in the day today the feeling came so strongly that i could barely move. the first, while i was doing my compsci hw... second, when i was sitting on the couch at dave's appt... and then just now in the car.
where is this feeling coming from? WHERE GODFUCKING DAMNIT, WHERE?!
i don't really get the feeling of dread, nor do i get the happy excitement that something good is going to happen. it's just this weird butterfly-in-stomach anxiety deal. maybe it's the beginning of an ulcer. :P it's not actually in my stomach, though... it's not so much as something physical, but a feeling... that like... penetrates my whole body. it's so hard to explain. i even break out into a cold sweat just thinking about it. so weird!!
"it's amazing how you really don't know people until after a while."
It's true. Most people can't show all of themselves when they first meet people. The side that is shown is usually the side that they most like to be. Angry, bitter, pessimistic? Sometimes the sweetest, nicest person inside [like my friend Kim]. Happy and carefree people? They usually have something to hide. People who are really good at things that seem brainless are usually smarter than you think and smarter than they let on. The kids who wear pocket protectors? Not always the smartest.
What is the me that I want to be? I do it subconsciously. Sometimes I even believe that I'm the me that I want to be. Once in a while, though, there's that cruel reminder... that 'click!' that makes me realize I'm not the person I pretend to be at all.
But maybe, that's just in that moment. Until then, I'll just keep playing the angsty bisexual online chick and leave it at that. =]
lately, i might as well not try to sleep. i close my eyes and dreams so vivid and real come that when I wake up i feel even more exhausted than I did when I first fell asleep. it's not as if the dreams are even realistic... but somehow, in those moments, in my mind, everything is real. the dreams are filled with anger, fear, and a lot of sorrow. sometimes when I wake up my eyes are damp with tears directed inward. im so tired. all i want to do is sleep.
There are characteristics about other people that I dislike. Things I see in other people that I despise in myself. Sometimes, I try so hard to avoid being those things that I hate that I end up doing a 360 -- becoming exactly what I hate in myself. What's wrong with me?
No matter how hard I try to be who I want to be, I end up being who I am instead.
It's a new feeling, waking up in the morning with feeling that someone out there... someone you know... has gone through the same emotions you have. It makes me feel not so little, not so helpless. Things were finally put into a perspective that I could grasp. I feel as if I've never truly dealt with my inner feelings before.
I know I've never cried the way I did. I've never been able to just keep crying without trying to hold it back in fear that somebody would walk in. I've never been able to talk about what's inside of me without the fear of that people would turn away from me -- or that I would be put into a mental hospital permanantly.
College has been so many new experiences to me. My first drink. My first laundry. My first time being truly frustrated with my classe. My first time finding someone I could truly talk to.
At the same time, it hurts to know that someone has been through the same -- if not worse-- emotions that I have. It hurts me to know that there are other people who suffer. When I see people hurting, I want to take all of their hurt into myself and bury it there with everything else. I'm used to it enough myself, you know?
He made me listen to him last night. He didn't just give me advice and prattle on in a way that made me drift off and forget what he said. He forced me to hear his words and to understand the meanings behind his words. It was harsh and difficult to listen to and truly absorb, but I think I needed it.
Life is shit. Did I ever mention that? Life is complete shit. Drama on one side. Dorm drama on the other side. I just want to get drunk. I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. I'm in debt for the first time in my life. I don't understand anything in any of my classes. I'm still getting over my stupid fucking cough/cold.
And apparently I can't think about anyone but myself. I hear everyone else has been having a bad time too. God. This week sucks.
Came back from Casino Night in Mesa Court [the dorm sector in which I live]. It was super fun! I was gonna leave right away, but I decided to be a trouper and stick it out. Ended up meeting some really nice people -- Emil (an RA! OOoOo I feel all special!) and Jon from Vista and Sean that I met the other day. =D CooLIo!!
I got to touch boobie! I touched one of the staffer's boobies! ^_^** She ran up to me as my hands were outstretched~!! Not my fault for real! And then another staffer hooked me up wit 'sumpin sumpin' (some chips) because I was just "TOOOO CUTE!" and was "A CRACK UP ALLL NIGHT!" hehehe! I felt so special. ^_^;; I didn't know people were watching me. HOHOHO.
Anyhow, I've gotta take a shower and go to bed. It's past my bedtime!
All of Jame's talk about Popples and CareBears has made me feel really nostalgic. I remember back in the day when I had a My Little Pony blanket, woke up to watch all those shows on TV... and loved them to death. Rainbow Brite, My Little Pony, CareBears, Popples, Smurfs, Muppets.... AHHHH!!! The childhood memories.
Ahh!! My RA [Taylor] is sooO adorable! I just found out that he stole my bike when I was away and was talking about riding it to class! AHhh! Hhahaha the thought of him, [really tall hot white guy] on my little girl sparkly pink bike with streamers on it cracks me up to no end. I love my dorm!
Katie's right. I have the immune system of a newborn calf. Whenever I'm around new people I catch whatever might be clinging to them and I fall ill. I hate it! I really do... It's getting in the way of my work. Whenever I'm sick I don't want to do anything but sit here and blog about it and complain about it. Bleh. I hate it.
I think I'm going to go to bed now. I can't believe I woke myself up with my own coughing this morning. It's almost as bad as waking yourself up with your own snoring!
Speaking of snoring, Bao, Dave's roommate, says that I snore whenever I sleep on my side. But if I sleep on my back then I don't snore anymore. Hehe. Apparently even if I'm rolled over onto my back, I tend to roll back over to my side. HOHOHO. Poor bao.
It's strange, when you learn something about someone through someone else. Afterwards, I usually can't look at that person in the same light -- well, when it has something to do with me, at least. I've been feeling that a lot towards somebody I thought was close to me. Weird, how I don't want to talk to that person about it, but I keep on wanting to ask "Why?". The hurt is gone, but a feeling of puzzlement is left.
I've been neglecting my online log lately. I guess that's what college has done to me! ;_;, Oh, the horrors. I feel like one of those uncool people that actually experiences things in real life and never talks about it now. Oh well, it's weird. There's tons of stuff that comes to mind that I would love to write about. Yet, I'm reluctant. I feel as if... if I do, then the realness of it will be broken.
In the past I've written all about the things that have happened to me on here. How I feel, what I want to do about it, what I'm going to do about it... Etc. My most private feelings and my most public feelings. They're all here in this blog.
It seems, however, that whenever I write something here, it gains a surreal quality to it. It's like. Oh, it's something that I wrote online. It must not matter much anymore. Haha. I guess it's a type of therapy.
But suddenly, it's so hard to write. So many things rush to my mind but don't flow onto my fingertips. Maybe I'm finally wearing down. A thousand posts later. But then, if I'm so tired of it, what am I doing here? HAHA.
subject: I'm not really a deep, introspective persion
time: 11:19 AM PST
dear friend,
But I play one on the 'net. HAHA. Just playing. That just popped into my head. I've been trying to separate the 'real' me from the 'net' me a lot lately, but it's so hard to really find where the line to one ends and the other begins. Sometimes, the two personalities are completely different -- and sometimes they're merged together as one.
I'm not really a bisexual chick, but I play one on the 'net. I wonder how many of these girls are like that. Almost all of the blogger chicks I've read lately are at least bi-curious and mostly full-fledged bisexuals. Or so they claim. Maybe I'm the same way!
Wow, now that I think about it... My parents were right. The possibilities of life are endless! I can be anything I want.... anything at all. Now that the land of technology has made the Internet possible, I can even be an astronaut! -- Or at least pretend that I'm an astronaut... Maybe I'll lie about it so much that I'll even begin to believe it in real life! Ohh, crazy.
I'm babbling right now. Did I mention I was sick? I need some chicken soup. Badly. :( or just some warm food, a soft bed and some nice people to take care of me. Days like this I actually miss my mommy. I'm afraid of calling her though. She'll figure out I'm sick and then she'll yell at me. Bah.
Silly of me to think that I
Could ever have you for my guy
How I love you
How I want you
Silly of me to think that you
Could ever really want me too
How I love you
You're just a lover out to score
That knows I should be looking for more
What could it be in you that I see
What could it be
Oh love, oh love, stop making a fool out of me
Silly of me to think that you
Could ever know the things I do
Are all done for you
Only for you
And silly of me to take the time
To call
And no you're not there
You're just a lover out to score
That knows I should be looking for more
What could it be in you that I see
What could it be
Oh love, oh love, stop making a fool out of me
Silly of me to go around
And brag about the love I found
I say you're the best
But I can't tell the rest
And silly of me to tell them all
That every night and day you call
When you could care less
You're just a lover out to score
That knows that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you that I see
What could it be
Oh love, oh love, stop making a fool out of me
Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh
Silly
So I figure, I must be one of the strangest people in the world. It might have been the hours-straight programming the night before. It might have been the almost-over-my-cold feeling. I can't really figure it out, but I realize I do the strangest things to relieve my stress.
First, I stole not a not one, not a few, but an entire box of disposible toilet seat covers from the ICS building. I was so scared of getting caught that I ran down the entire hall until I got back to my lab room. HHAHA! Even though, that probably just made me look even worse. Oh well, I'm sure whoever I passed was just thinking, "Oh, those darn ICS majors!"
Anyhow, so I finish my lab, and I turn it in bla bla bla. Out I go into the night. "Oh shit! It's cold! BRrRR", I thought. So what was my solution? "Hmm. I have my backpack on with my binder, a notebook, a compsci book AND a box of disposible toilet seat covers in my backpack. OH I KNOW! I can run across the whole fucking campus!"
Haha. So yep. I ran. Let me tell you. It was exhilarating running through an empty park in the twilight. Kind of weird though, my feet made echos and fora while I thought someone was running after me. HAHAA! I'm such a nerd. I kept looking around. =D It felt really good though. Maybe I'll run more often. It's bad for my feet, though, since I have tendonitis.
Oh yeah! Happy late birthday!! I've been so absentminded lately! I can't believe I forgot!!
Aileen is a hottie!! I freakin LOVE her. OMG. She's so beautiful. "I would bone her"
It's funny how some people live their lives creating the drama, and others spend their lives being pulled into other people's dramas... And then there are those who live in the happy medium of doing a little bit of both.
I think I'm a more self-centered type. I don't get involved in other people's dramas that much. I look at it and I'm like "Damn, that sucks." I listen to their dramas, but somehow I'm not able to immerse myself into it and become completely empathetic with the way they feel.
Maybe it's because I make so much drama all by myself. There hasn't been much drama lately though. Hmm. Whose life can I ruin next? HAHA just playin.
When I don't know what to blog about, I blog about those peoples who are awesome and have linked me.
Design-Robot.com : Cutie cutie site wrote to thank me for putting the site on my design blog. Haha woot. Anytime baby. Eva put one of my newer buttons on. Coherance asked for my autograph at a convention once. This place gives me tons of hits. Riceless.com thinks I'm cute. Xiaotian is a pisces too! Sammi is just adorable! ThoseBrownEyes put me as a notable link! woot
Not sleeping until 3-6 AM per morning three nights in a row really makes a person grumpy. This weekend was, to say the least, eventful. I wish I could say it all now, but I have sooo much hw shit to catch up on. Spam covers one night at least.
My roommate probably thinks I'm some strange type of prostitute or something. First of all, there's a constant stream of guys coming to visit me [ha! they just want to look at my computer], secondly, she knows I take pictures of my body parts and post em on the 'net, third, my leopard print sheets probably say something about my freaky side [even though my mom picked em out], and then lastly, i'm always blasting freaky deaky love songs on the CD player.. hahaha. oh yeah. I'm definately a freaky one.
Thanks to Dave the guy who still needs a TV and his mad hair-bleaching skills, I have finally been hit on. For the first time in my life random strangers have been coming up to me to tell me how sexy my hair is. =D I feel special.
One of those days that could have turned out incredibly shitty. You know. Huge homework assignment, done none of it. Everyone else has spent at least 10 hours on it.... But it was OK. It really turned out very OK.
THe day was so busy, that now that I think about it... It could have been split up into three days and I still would have felt the same business.
It's funny how you feel so much closer to someone after you suffer some kind of crisis with them. Even if it IS just turning in your HW on time [which for us, was midnight tonight].
Some people are really nice. Like my new ICS H21 friend Jon. He walked all the way to my dorm from his appt in Stanford Ct at 8PM to walk me to ICS building [all the way across campus] so I could finish my lab, stayed there until 12AM and walked back with me. He even helped me on most of the problems! =D That's what I call SUPA nice.
I wouldn't do that for me if I were me. Of course, I hate walking in the dark. ;_; is scary and cold!
I'm not going to attend discussion for math 6A today. =P Not because I'm going to sleep in, but I need to finish editing an essay. ^^* That's not bad, right?
I will attend labs and discussions.
I will start papers the day they are assigned.
I will read my assignments before they are due.
I will read each book/study at least 1/2 hour a day.
It's so hard to believe that it's already october. Time goes by so quickly lately. I'm almost afraid to close my eyes -- what if a day flies past without my knowledge? What have I been doing all this time? I don't even remember. I feel full and satisfied, though. Even through these struggles that were brought on by myself.
I shouldn't be blogging right now, though! Have so much HW to do. Somebody kick me in the nuts NOW please. Okay thanks. Good bye.
