"i hope NOBODY i know sees me today. at all!" i said this morning to my roommate.
attention. i crave it. i love it when people look at me. i love it when people visit me 'just because' i love it when people say 'hi' to me while i'm walkiing down the street. but there are just those days when i just want to be a hermit. i don't want to be seen heard from or hear from anybody. i don't want people to look at me. i just want to curl up and be by myself.
this seems to be the same day that i see randomly attractive guys that i've met previously while walking outside. the same day that friends want to drop by. the same day that i have to go to something that involves a lot of people.
without fail this seems to be the case every time. maybe my perception of the happenings around me just different when i don't want to see anybody. maybe i just feel like it's happening more than usual simply because i don't want it to happen. but i swear i never see the people i want to look good in front of unless i look like shit.
i don't think that there's anything as pleasing as learning something and finally understanding it that you've been watching other people do from the sidelines for so long. it's somewhat liberating, and so fascinating. it makes you realize why the people ever bothered to learn in the first place.
---
learning how to dance is addictive. i find myself thinking about different ways to contort my body that woud look 'cool' whenever i'm bored or i'm by myself. i find myself bending my arms in different ways to see whether or not it looks straight... talking to my peers and occasionally asking "hey, does this look ok to you?"
it's sad how good it feels. Oh well. learning how to dance WELL is another matter. i'm not quite there yet. but goddamnit! i will be. i'm telling you! by the end of this year you'll say "ooo". :) maybe. unless you're david or james and you taught me everything i knew. ^^**
with so many posts about my worries i figured i'd write about all the things that i'm appreciative of.
my friends: there are some people in my life that i know i can always turn to whenever i'm feeling down -- and some people that i've met since coming to uci that i think will stay in my life for a long time.
school: i'm happy to be here at all, considering how much i messed up in high school. i'm happy that i was able to turn my views and make it to where i am. though i complain about being here sometimes, that's just my insecurity acting up.
my computer: it's my baby. period. =]
good roommate: my roommate and i get along incredibly well for two people who never knew each other before this. it's almost as if we've known each other for a really long time sometimes. we have just enough similarities that we can get along but enough differences so that it's not like we're getting into each other's business. she's quirky.
the people who read this: if there weren't people reading this and responding to the things that i write, i don't know if i would have advanced so much emotionally during the last couple years. i remember writing endless journals in middle school but never getting anywhere with them because they were so private that it was impossible for me to have any input on my problems.
ahh. there's so many more things i'm thankful for. i don't know why i'm drawing a blank, but there will definately be a cont'd version of this... maybe tomorrow... or next week... or next month. :) sometime.
subject: silliness and intimacy
time: 01:36 PM PST
dear friend,
now when i think back about the giddiness i felt whenever i talked to him or saw him i laugh at my silliness... but then i realize that i will still always be silly that way. the sad part is that i know i'm being silly, i know that i should act cool, be more reserved -- but i can't help myself.
when i see the one i care for i feel not just my face but my whole body lighting up in a smile. it's a strange feeling to explain, but that's exactly what it feels like. i feel radiant. i feel as if nothing could go wrong in that moment and that their smile is all that's important. it makes me want to hit myself, to tell myself to calm down.
though the majority of the time i fear touch, whenever i'm around the one i care about, i'm drawn to sitting too close to them. i'm drawn to playing with their fingertips. i want to kiss their cheek. those things are so intimate to me.
it's hard for me to explain what i find intimate and why. it's weird, how in certain situations just a look will tell you more than could ever be said, or how fingers entangled with each other mean more than any words that could be expressed, or how talking with each other in the silence of the night about everything and then nothing makes you realize that you never want to go to sleep because the happiness in dreams can't equal how good it feels just to be there next to that person.
it's strange, how around different people you feel different types of happinesses, and even when it's in the same intensity, the happniess is always slightly different. it's strange how the happiness of laughing your ass off until your stomach hurts and your eyes water can be less intense than the happiness you show through smiles and soft kisses.
i love digression. i don't even remember what i was talking about in the beginning of this post. :/ the advil must be kicking in.
i think for women, there should be at least two days of the menstral cycle from which they are allowed to be removed from society. i really don't think i should be out there, trying to function and get along with my peers in this state. it's just not going to work out this way.
i blew up at somebody in class today. it was 'discussion', but yes. he was mumbling. mumbling something against what i believed in. so with an annoyed face i countered his argument. and then i countered his next argument. every thing he said i would counter. just because that kid annoyed me so much.
after today, i'm sure my crankiness will go away. after the cramps, headaches and sore breasts are gone i'm sure i'll be a much happier camper. however, as of now, i feel like throttling something. the only life-sized thing around is my giant panda, though. i don't think i could strangle that. it's too cute. =]
i don't know what it is, but now two months after our breakup, though things haven't been sour or anything like that, reading entries like this on jason's site make me feel as if we live in completely different worlds.
i remember back in the day when we would debate about things, and our views would be so different. it seems like yesterday when we were arguing about whether or not religion is necessary in a society. -- he believed that people who follow religion are weak and that if religion were completely removed from our society, our lives would continue the same way. -- i believe that though religion isn't right for all, some can find strength in it and that because almost all societies are founded on religion [even ours] society would be completely different, and even chaotic without religion.
we're so different. our goals are different, the way we see things are different... yet we both have one thing in common, at one point we cared for one another.
people always say that caring for one another is enough. even if being together means compromising your ideals. even if being together means letting your life go to shambles just because you're in love. look at the story of Romeo and Juliet, they couldn't be together so they whacked themselves. because it was enough for them to be in love with each other. or my ex-boyfriend the situation with his ex girlfriend [refer to link above], he claims he stopped getting good grades and stopped caring about success because he loved her.
i don't think that it's enough. even if you care for somebody there's a point of destruction where you have to realize that even though you care for a person you're ruining your life because of them. i think that if the other person truly cares about you they wouldn't let you go down the hole like that. if the other person truly cares about you they'd make sure you succeeded.
well maybe that's just me. maybe that's just the way i feel when i care about somebody. i guess for some, just loving each other and being with each other all the time and being together and being in love is enough.
what was my point? oh yeah. we're so different. it's like we live in different worlds. i can't even begin to talk about how removed i feel from him right now.
every night should be a night that's full of sleep. waking up in the morning after 3 hours of sleep always seems to give me the feeling of "crap. so much to do today. so tired." i think it's because whenever i stay awake that long it's almost always because i DO have way too much to do the next day.
waking up from eight hours of sleep as opposed to five or six or even three that seems to be the norm around here is actually quite refreshing. when i wake up, even if there's a lot to do, i feel as if there's a "bring it on!" type of deal. i think a lot of is its a *psychological bullcrap here* type of deal. weird how that can be.
it's nice to be completely alert for a change.
during high school it was so easy to go to bed early. i used to be tired if i got any less than seven or eight hours. it took me at least ten hours to feel refreshed. ahh. it's like i'm adapting or something.
oh well, sleeping is for the weak... and the weekends. :P [ok i apologize. that was really corny.]
wow, i don't think i have ever had a booger in my nose that big. looking back, i wonder how i was even able to breathe at all. it was the size of a nose cork. i swear! it was the weirdest thing ever. i almost pissed my pants.
except i wasn't wearing any. it happened to fly out of my nose as i rubbed my face in the shower. i felt a suddenly refreshing feeling in my nose [air, i think] and saw this... THING in my hand. haha. with all of my talk of diarrhea and pooing and peeing -- this was pretty gross!
---
speaking of gross, incidentally i have a discrete mathematics test tomorrow.
some seem to drift through life with the mentality of "go with the flow", and somehow they always make it. it seems to me that sometimes the more you try, the more you struggle against what life is giving you, the harder the current becomes, until you find yourself in a whirlpool that you can't seem to pull yourself out of.
sometimes i feel that go with the flow mentality. it's so nice, it's so relaxing -- but it opens the heart and soul for more disillusionment and jadedness when it ends. when the mentality falls away like a dead skin, a newer, seemingly thicker more calloused skin appears : a more cynical me.
i don't think i like it... because though i'm armed with this new, stronger, more durable skin, i feel as if i'm falling in and endlessly dark pit that has no bottom. when the go with the flow mentality disappeared, so did my sense of stability.
what am i doing? who am i really?
i should stop thinking. i need to stop thinking. i'm too busy for self introspection. at least that's what i'd like to tell myself... but that seems to be what's most on my mind as of late.
i've decided that starting tomorrow morning, i'm going to appreciate life more. or at least attempt to. i'm going to look at my life and play "what's right with this picture?" and "what can i do with this picture to make it more right?" instead of "what's wrong with this picture" and "fuck that, i'm going to sleep".
i'm going to be strong and take whatever the world gives to me tomorrow. i'm going to do what i say i'm going to do. i'm going to work hard to not make promises i can't keep. i'm going to try my best on my homework even if i don't know what the fuck's going on.
if you think i'll forget all my resolutions by tomorrow night, raise your hand!
some days i wonder why i agree to participate in so many things on top of my classes. tomorrow there is simply too much for me to do in one day. why is it that even when i try to do things in advance, there's always something that i haven't done. something that's urgent. something that needs to be done. something that i'm forgetting.
some days i just want to bury my head underneath my pillow and wish it all away. wish away the homework. wish away my mother. wish away the impending projects. wish away my responsibilities.
i wish i lived in a world in which my responsibilities consisted of looking for the perfect [richest?] husband and making sure the maids cleaned the house.
i wish i lived in the foo foo world of pride and prejudice.
sometimes i feel as if life is just a giant tornado carrying me along. i don't knowwhat's going to happen to me, what i have and what i don't have, what's been destroyed, what's been preserved, whether or not some people i care about are okay, and yet i just keep getting blown, drifting along until i find the eye of the storm -- only to build new glass houses, meet new people, create new relationships, start over, work hard in school, only to have it all blown away and destroyed again in one fell swoop.
why do i drift from people so easily? i really really want to uphold my relationships, but then something inside of me makes me stop talking to people. stop making an effort to see the people that i love. and then i feel that i'm too distant from them to talk to them. and then i feel i'm too distant from them to visit. and then the friendship as i once knew it ends.
said david, when writing about what he learned in college on 30.4.2001. how inspiring. working to maintain a friendship? so different than in H.S. when people that you are friends with are basically people that you see every day.
weird. i get the sudden urge to talk to my buddies from SanJose. =T
i made cookies the other day. they were really good cookies too. there's something i remember saying from that night, though, as i was mixing up the batter and talking to my friend bao [who, at the time was making curry].
'whenever i make cookies, i have someone in mind'
it's wierd how much i'm affected by the peoplle around me, the people i pay attention to and the people that i notice. it's the little things that other people say that inspire me to do certain things in the end. even brushing my hair. attempting to look nice. smiling. even doing my homework.
i'm such a conformist... why do i feel so different?
it's nice to have someone in mind, though, while making cookies. that's the only time i actually make them, really. the one time i made them with no one in mind they came out doughy. and then when i made them with doubts in my head, they came out too burnt AND doughy at the same time. it just wasn't the right time.
it's weird, how the way you feel changes the way you cook. at least that's the way for me. especially the way i feel towards the person that i have in mind. tee hee.
again while surfing the 'net (this time from ernie's site), i find a blog that makes me read without stopping. something that actually makes me stop and wonder that i've been complaining about all this time: Musings From the Left Coast is one of those blogs that really makes me wish that blogs weren't written by real people writing about their real lives. it makes me wish i were reading a fictional story, it's that touching.
remember that game we used to play as little kids? it was called "what's wrong with this picture". you would look at the picture and point out all the things out of place in the picture, say, a mitten on a boy's head or a clock with no hands... or other silly things like that.
i wonder who created that game. i think it caused me psychological damage.
these days i play that game on everything i see. everything i do and everyone i know. "what's wrong with this picture?" i always ask. rarely "what is right with this picture?" or "what do i like about this picture?" it's always "what is wrong with this picture?". i blame this solely on that game.
perhaps they should have made the game name a little more positive. afterall, the word wrong has such bad connotations.
---
i know, i'll go on a crusade. like those moms against drugs [MAD] and whatevers. i'll be CSAWWWTP. college students against whats wrong with this picture. our sub-title would be "because it has messed us up as growing kids" or something like that. YEAH.
i'd like to think that i'm not an emotional person. and in some ways, i really am not. i rarely cry in movies (i didnt even cry during titanic... oOoO). i guess the fact of the matter is that i don't cry when i should. but then, when i shouldn't, or when it wouldn't be expected, i let the tears flow freely. some things for some reason affect me more than others.
sometimes i wonder if i'm emotionally backwards.
like the time when i was little, and my mom's coworker didn't cut the orange in half the way that i could see the star in the middle. or the time i mistook one of my mom's poor customers for one of her rich ones and cried when i thought that she had forgotten my birthday.
i didn't cry at graduation. i couldn't even squeeze out tears. when we had our last key club goodbyes, even though kc had been the most important thing in my life for almost three years... but then i cried when i read on a blog that a friend was having problems.
i always try to squeeze out the tears, when people around me are crying... graduation, convention, even titanic. but somehow, the only tears that come are the kind that usually come out when you squeeze your eyes too hard.
the thing is, it's not as if i'm not emotional. i'm very emotional. i find myself crying a lot and crying hard at times. it almost always has to do with my mother. somehow (maybe it's 18 years of experience) she always knows how to bring the tears out of me.
does she do it on purpose? i dont know.
whenever i see or hear about people who have gone through similar pains in life as me, tears begin to gather in my eye. i hate to think that anyone would have to suffer pains at all.
when i'm all alone and wonder about where my life is going and whether or not i'll be able to survive in the 'real world', the tears come.
it's weird, isn't it, how different things trigger different reactions in different people? Of course, it would be nice if the things that triggered reactions in other, more 'normal', also triggered reactions in me. =T
i'm the type of person that becomes easily inspired by the people around me and the people that i'm exposed to. i take what i see and like in people and try to infuse those qualities in myself. that's quite possibly why i'm such a mixed nut. however, i'm not normally the person that inspires other people.
that's why it touches me so much when somebody tells me that i've inspired them. to me, that has got to be one of the most touching compliments in the world. i mean, it's like saying that whatever it is that i did that inspired them, was good enough that they were prompted to do something similar themselves.
wow. that's really powerful.
---
there's lots of people that inspire me. many of which are on the side right there under 'linked'. a lot of them are people that have made me think "wow. i want to be like that". people that make me feel the need to become a better person.
i wonder if it's weird. ^^* probably , huh... but i don't care! :P
it's weird how sometimes, you can be friends with one person, but then when you meet all the rest of the people they associate with, it's hard for you to assimilate into that group. you would think that somehow if you're a certain's person's friend, you would automatically be able to get along with the people they get along with -- since people attract people who are like them, right?
today i had one of those experiences. it's always a little disappointing to know that there are types of people that i can't get close to. people that i can't even imagine wanting to know more about. people that i prefer to know on the surface level and keep it at that. that doesn't happen to me very often -- i usually want get to know people more. today was different somehow.
i can't really say what it was. maybe it's because we were at the mall and we kept going into really expensive stores like armani, fendi, chanel etc. although, that usually doesn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. a lot of my friends are actually rich enough to buy things in those places without even looking at the price tags. maybe it was the fact that these people weren't my friends. i don't know. i just felt really silly going into those stores today. maybe because we were going in there without intent to buy [as opposed to how it usually is].
maybe i was just still in my bad mood and couldn't snap out of it enough to enjoy the company of the people i was with. maybe i was just perceiving things weirdly today.
"none of my clothes cost more than like... two dollars. okay, maybe five dollars, but that's my limit." i proclaimed, in one of the more affluent stores.
"i think you're in the wrong place, then," my friend replied.
i think i was too.
as the evening wore on i began to think more about my relationships with people and how they work. how do i get along with certain people and can only be acquaintances of other people? i really don't know.
maybe it's just PMS or something, and i don't feel like getting along with people. i don't know what it is but im feeling alone. =T
i almost stopped plugging journals in my weblog... but sometimes it just hits you... randomly you stumble across something that makes tears come to your eyes involuntarily and makes you clutch your heart in pain. i hate empathy. i wish i didn't have any feelings. i wish i didn't get drawn into this journal. i want to leave and read the idiotic ramblings of teenagers with no real problems... but i keep reading this one because it makes me hurt. and somehow it makes it addictive.
subject: pictures and painful memories
time: 04:23 PM PST
dear friend,
i love pictures. i love looking at pictures, editing pictures, creating my own pictures... just pictures in general. i'm one of those people who reads yearbooks all the way through just because i love the pictures so much. i love the fact that you can keep a piece of a moment in a rush of chemicals/pixels. it just amazes me every time.
even the pictures that remind me of things that are painful. sometimes those pictures i like even more than others because they actually elicit feeling from me. most pictures are just there. they don't bring out memories, they don't give you that jolt that makes you think "oh wow, this is what its like to have memories".
i love the way pictures make me feel and i love the way i can re-experience things even more lucidly than i normally can when there are pictures.
it may seem self-destructive, it may not make sense. but i like the bittersweetness of all of it. it reminds me not to make the same mistakes. it may take me longer to get over things because i keep reminders everywhere... but i am learning to admit that it was all once a part of my life and that i am a different person now.
weird how it is that everybody seems to be linked together in one big circle. through my anime/comic convention meanderings, i met my friend nick -- from whom i received dance pictures of him and his ex gf. then i went to SPOP [school orientation] where i met kris and ryan. the other day nick came over with his pledge buddy and they saw the pictures of nick and his ex gf on my wall... and we found out that ryan [ my spop staffer ] was nick's frat big brother... weird! but then today, i saw kris from my window walking along with this girl... and i was like "wait a sec! that's the girl from the pictures!" ... so i asked if her name was 'michelle' and she said yea. weird! weird! so it was her. i was like "weird! i have pictures of you on my wall!" and she replied with "wait, do you know blabla?" and i replied "uh no... but i think he came into my room one time" tee hee hee. really strange.
they're all linked with each other... and now with me. weird how one by one second degree connection people can become first degree people. >_< i don't know how it happens, but it always does. the weirdest is when norcal mixes with socal and the people i know start knowing everyone else. oh friends of friends. what would you do without them?
i don't know... i know this is a thing that happens to everyone. but for some reason, it seems to happen SO much more with me than everyone else! so weiiird. it must have been KEY Club mixed with Circle K my website and all my anime conventions. ^^*
subject: pocket memories! 100% free.
time: 09:52 AM PST
dear friend,
one of the coolest things in the world is reaching into your pocket and realizing that you or somebody else who was wearing whatever you're wearing left something in the pocket. it's like having a mini time capsule.
just last night i put on some pants that i haven't worn in a while. in the pocket, i find, washed and worn, my old report card from last year. it made me remember how good it felt to get the report card. oh man oh man. i remember how great it felt to graduate high school.
"free at last! thank god all mighty, i'm free at last". a great man said that once. i couldn't phrase him better.
---
i remember a few times in the past when i've found things in my pockets as well. the best is when you find something in your winter coat. those are awesome because sometimes it's shit from a year or sometimes even two years [since you were too lazy to throw it out last year]. it makes for nice memories and a really good conversation starter, i think.
---
maybe I should market a new product. it'll be like sandwich baggies... only on the box it'll be called "POCKET MEMORIES!" -- and then under that "poketo memorisu" in Katakana (cuz if it's japanese, people won't question its validity). the main focus of the advertisment would be that you could have a "mini time capsule!" in your pocket, so that every time you wear your favourite jeans or whatever, you'd bust out with shit from every time before that you wore those jeans. whoa! i'm a genius.
---
or, we could just stick shit into ziplock bags. but it wouldn't be as fun!! ziplock bags weren't MADE for pocket memories! pocket memories bags are!
- even if they are 5 times more expensive.
oh well, since they'll come in various different colours and designs, it'll all be worth it. YEPYEP.
subject: favors and group names
time: 06:55 PM PST
dear friend,
i think the hardest thing for a group of people to do is to make group names. i remember in KEY club when i was the buddy group leader of the "c" group. half of our icebreaker time was taken up thinking about a name! crazy. i think we ended up being "coo coo for key clubbin!" hehe. yeah, we're just weird like that.
it's hard for me to think of group names that aren't stupid or corny sounding. i think it's because i actually LIKE names that are corny and stupid sounding -- which makes it hard to decide on group names when i'm usually the only one spouting off ideas.
weird. why do we label ourselves?
another hard thing to do is to name my webpages. it's so confusing to me sometimes. at times i dont even know how i get the names that i do. like, unpinkified? that was so randomly done -- katie and i were just talking about how our pages were pinkified and unpinkified and it stuck. how did i get my old names ? adolescent visions.... romantic illusions... ai no miko's harem of boy love... how do i come up with those things? i don't even know.
what do the names i choose say about me? what makes other people choose the names for their websites? i wonder if people who choose similar site names are similiar in character.
that would be an interesting study.
speaking of names, please go and vote for the best singing group name for my good friend ashish. :)
i think deep down i want to be famous. i want to become a superstar and live my life always in the public eye. of course, that would leave a lot of room for scandal, and i don't know if i'd like that. -- afterall, it's not like i'm the model citizen or whatevers. more famousness more problems, it seems.
it seems that no matter how positive the light in which you are famous is, there are always people that dislike you. even if you're famous in the best way, there's always going to be someone who will try to bring you down.
take teenage pop stars -- they always have to be super-clean and super good to be a good teen idol... but then, if they were super-clean and super-good, then they become boring and lose appeal. either way, you have to make somebody dislike you to have somebody else like you.
i don't know if i can handle that.
i wonder how it would feel to know that there are legions of people out there that disliked me. i mean, i wouldn't care much if it was a neutral thing, like "oh, i just dont care about that person even though they're famous because they don't interest me"... more of a "omg, how can that person be famous they're so stupid and bla bla and these are all the bad things about them bla bla and these are the bad things that they could be..."
would it be worth the fame? i guess it depends on how famous you get and how much you value adoring fans and how much people disliking you bothers you.
heh. maybe it would be interesting to have a bunch of people really hating me. i would definately not get bored. maybe that's why people are assholes on controversial threads.
the attention.
in the end, i think i wouldn't mind being famous. maybe just a little famous and not so famous that people want to bring me down... but famous enough so that enough people know who i am so that i get a "can i get your autograph?" every once in a while. =]
and i'm dying inside, but nobody knows it but me...
i've been so busy with my own problems that i've been completely neglecting some of my friends who are going through almost the same things as i'm going through right now. self-reevaluation, life evaluation, just general inner turmoils all together.
i feel guilty because i can't really do anything to help. how can i, when i'm so messed up myself? i can't give people advice for something i can't even figure out for myself. i know it's supposedly easier to give good advice to other people even if you can't do it for your own life, but for me, things are confusing regardless of who it is.
then there are some friends who are going through things that are different than me all together. that's even tougher -- all i can actually do for them is be there... and i feel like i've been flaking out on that, too.
i need to re-assess my reading and listening skills. sure i read and listen, but do i truly digest these things, these self-revelations that people are writing about and telling me? i guess i'm not a very good critical thinker.
i think i should stop reading so many different blogs and start truly reading what people are trying to say.
my perfect man? oh good lawd, that's a really hard one. i think i'd meet him somewhere really random. like at the grocery store at 3 o'clock in the morning while i'm wearing my pyjamas and looking sick as hell because i just rolled out of bed to go buy some medicine or something. or maybe i'd meet him while on one of my phases, like dressing up like an anime character, or maybe i'd run into him literally because i wasn't paying attention to where i was going. -- you get the idea, something unexpected.
he'd be tall, but not too tall. he'd be cute, not hot. he'd have a smile that takes over his whole face and a funny/quirky laugh. he'd be witty.
i would talk to him and then let him walk right out of my life -- one of those meetings when you think that you'll never see that person again, but you just happen to have a nice, yet uncommon 5 minute conversation with someone. a kind of conversation that can only happen at the grocery store at 3 AM. those deliciously random ones that are always so great.
and then i'd see him again somewhere else. somewhere less random perhaps. maybe a club or maybe during a gathering of some sort. maybe he'd come across my page online and say "oh look! there's random girl from the grocery store at 3AM"
and then we'd really begin to talk. he'd be very fun to talk to -- not too nice, but not a jerk either. he'd be the kind of guy that doesn't have a ton of girls after him.
i'd like somebody who wrote corny poetry and likes bad chinese food and cheap coffee early in the morning. i want someone who will sit on a couch opposite of me and just talk about random things all through the night. my perfect man would use a lot of hand motions. he wouldn't call me too often, maybe once a week or once every other week, but when we did talk they'd be long uninterrupted conversations. i want a person who's ambitious and has lots of goals in life and has a chance of reaching those goals.
i'd like a guy who will act like a dork in public for me. a guy who will take lots of sticker pics and think of funny poses for us to do.
i find myself most attracted to people who aren't completely nice to me. i don't know what it is about people who have a bit of meanness in them. perhaps it's because the more i dislike someone, the more i tend to be sugary sweet to them -- maybe i just see it as a reflection of myself. "hey look, they're mean to me, that must mean that they like me!"... that's pretty twisted thinking there, if I do say so myself.
truthfully, if someone is really nice, i always wonder why they're being nice. people in general aren't nice -- there's always a reason for it. well, there are reasons for people to be mean, too, but those are generally easy to figure out.
people who are nice are always looking for something. satisfaction, perhaps? the happy feeling in their tummy that they're a good person? the satisfaction of knowing that other people think they're good people? that might be it. maybe it all really is for the perception of others.
but what about those people who always seem nice to everybody? i can't really say that it's "just how they are", what makes them the way they are? what makes people sweet and never mean?
let my friends be slightly mean and simpleminded as opposed to constantly nice and hiding something. it makes life easier and less confusing for me.
i normally don't remember anything of note from my childhood, not really anything at all. however, lately i've been remembering a lot of things that i clearly remember happening, but not really correlating with each other at all. i really wish i could remember my entire childhood in one piece, though. i'm sure i'd have plenty of great stories to tell. . .
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Like the time I decided to play sherlock holmes and searched through all my parents belongings. I found this secret stash of individually wrapped balloons! Could you believe it, my parents had been hiding them from me all along. I decided that it was good time for a party, so I unwrapped them, blew them up and tied them together into clusters of 3 and then hung them up on all the doorways.
Hehe. Imagine my parent's horror when they found clusters of blown up condoms tied to the doorways in our house.
doing proofs for discrete mathematics is a lot like being cynical, only not so fun. it makes me wonder whether or not discrete mathematicians were really good studies of character. actually, i think the math is simpler than people. afterall, people are so complex sometimes.
and fucked, too. all of us are kind of fucked in one way or another. some just way moreso than others.
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funny, i've been wearing my anthrax mask that my brother sent me lately to prevent myself from breathing my noxious germs onto other people. strange, how they sent the mask to me before there was even a chemical warfare scare for real. i guess being overparanoid has its benefits. he's probably thinking now, "see? see? what if i hadn't bought the masks?! we would be in danger of anthrax!"
i still haven't made the "escape plan" yet. -.-
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incidentally, i can't imagine ever growing up in a normal household.
layouts usually come to me so easily... but not this time. this was wrenched out of my guts in an attempt to inspire myself to do more. it's actually in a style that i totally despise -- contrived style that is. oh well, i guess everybody makes one or two really big mistakes in their lives. this can be chalked up as one of mine. ;)~ just playin.
even though i'm not satisfied with this, i put it up. why? simply because i like the change. i don't like looking at the same thing over and over -- and i'm sure people get tired of seeing the same layout every time you return, too. =P gasp. people coming here to read what i write? weird concept! ;)
i'm not some design guru, though i wish i were, but... whatevers =] at least it doesn't look expage/asianavenueish. I wonder if people would keep reading if it were. O_o;
After several minutes of practicing, i've finally been able to put my leg behind my head! I feel really talented. I'd like to thank all the people that were there for me on my quest to be more limber. Hehe. =D
i have a sudden renewed interest in learning how to dance... for a couple weeks there, i thought i would never want to make another box again... but i realise now that it's a pretty good way to get rid of my agressions. plus, thinking of more ways to do things is really difficult for me -- so it makes for a good time passer.
i wish i had natural talent at dancing -- i wish i was one of those people who could do things really really well without even having to think about it. i wish i were a lot of things, though... so i guess it's all the same in the end. :) at least trying to become someone who can dance decently is more fun than trying to become someone who's decently intelligent.
anyhow, it's time for me to head out to my car now. i think i ate too much at lunch. consequently, I feel like barfing again.
The past few days have been full of sleeping, procrastination, dancing fun and lots of barfing. Not in any particular order, all of the above happened in big random chunks during the weekend, some happening more than others. Like sleeping... and procrastination.
I wrote my first fan-email the other day. To the guy from little yellow different. He seems really cool. I wonder if I'll get a reply. I was slightly delerious from medication, so I might have sounded like a psycho killer. Funny, I'm actually nervous about whether or not he'll reply. ^^;
I've been sleeping a lot these past few days. I can't tell whether or not it's because I'm truly tired, or because I'm just running away from my responsibilities and my thoughts. It's probably a little bit of both.
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Barfing feels good. Especially if your somach's been feeling funky for a while. that happened to me. I had a brief stint in the car yesterday after the dance, but didn't really allow myself to go all out. today i finally forced myself to hurl it all out and it really felt great.
I hope i'm not becoming a bulemic. haha. that's the third time i've barfed in a week. and it feels better every time. O_o;
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You know, it's strange. Ever since that one night, with that strange incident with the drugs and alcohol where I came to some realizations, i feel like I've changed. I probably haven't changed at all, and still act the same and all that ish. But for some reason a part of me feels more... conscious. I can't really explain it. I feel as if I am more aware -- and want to be aware -- of the things around me.
I want to put it all into the box of "figment of my imagination"... but it's really hard to when all of a sudden a lot of reactions towards things (just those little things that go on in the mind) suddenly change... I want to pin it to something, make it have a meaning. I dont want to just change for no reason... So I think that ngiht is a good enough scapegoat.
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My friend dave is having a hard time. Incidentally, I can't bring myself to talk to him. I don't know why, but I'm scared to go over there. Sometimes, I really don't understand myself.
http://www.sexranks.com/amazing . What the fuck? Somehow, 'madpimp.com' got listed as a site for the "sexranks.com amazing sex sites' vote thing. hahah. This is too funny to be true. =D Please go vote for me.
stop trying to disprove the fact that i have feelings for you. just because i'm not going crazy about it doesn't mean that there's not something going on inside of me. just because i don't express all my feelings in words doesn't mean i don't think them. it doesn't mean i don't feel giddy when i see your name on my buddy list, or excited to see your name on my caller id.
dismiss this as a childish girl crush, puppy love if you will. but don't tell me that i don't care, because that hurts and it's untrue.
incidentally, i have a crazy urge to see you dance right now.
"you seem so shocked to find that we can accept that you're fucked up. in truth, its just because we're so fucked up ourselves."
acceptance, assimilation, the illusion that i might be normal. these things have always been very precious to me. contrary to what many people may believe, i work really hard to be like the more 'normal' people i see around me.
when i showed some of my true colours, somebody special said that to me. i don't think i'll ever forget that. thank you.
what do you do when his face keeps forcing its way into your mind? when you try to forget and people keep asking about him? when running away brings you right back to where you started? what do you do when you just want to stop running, stop thinking, stop all the emotions within your heart?
what do you do when the first hand you finally grasp onto desparately lets go?
tears come so easily to my eyes these days. sometimes, i'm not even very very sad, and suddenly something will make my eyes well up involuntarily. i feel like a weaker person for it, i feel like i ought to be smiling, laughing it off. maybe i should be, too.
in this ill-stricken state, painful thoughts invade my mind like the bacteria that are invading my body. i don't even have the strength to push them away, yet somehow i have strength enough to dwell on the things that truly bother me. that's probably why i like surrounding myself with people. -- when you're around a lot of people, you can't really think about anything too deeply.
incidentally, it's time to eat, and i don't feel a bit hungry.
strange. i guess the only way to get featured on two different onlinemagazine things is to start being more distant from everything in the online community and going to college. =P weird! weird!. thanks a lot, though. i'm really flattered. even in this almost dying state.
