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truths, lies, and a little bit of both

"why do people lie? this is why we hate liars."

How do you explain to someone who holds such hatred against the act of lying that you can't see what's so bad about not telling the truth? How do you explain that that's how you've existed all your life, that's how you've gotten through things, how you've survived thus far?

How do you explain that it's something that can't really be changed unless you change yourself entirely...


I grew up in a home that refused to believe that it was broken in public. As I was growing up I watched my mom lie about me, my brothers, and my father. I watched my father lie to my mother about his extramarrital affairs. I watched as lies took us places, gave us connections, made my mother famous, made the people of the community suck up to me in desparate attempts to get to know my mother.

In my house nothing came very easily. If I wanted to do something, be able to go somewhere, be able to get away from the house... I had to lie. I had to lie about what kinds of friends I had -- even if they weren't bad friends. I had to lie about where we were going -- even if it wasn't anywhere bad. I had to lie about my boyfriends being my guy friends. Why? Because I knew how much crap that I would go through if I didn't.

For example, the months where I had a 'boyfriend' that my mother knew about were probably the worst in terms of my relationship with my mother in my life. There weren't two or three days that went by that i didn't get into a fight with my mom. There weren't days that went by that I didn't become so aggravated that going off to college seemed like a blessing. There wasn't one day that went by that I didn't wish I could just die to make the verbal abuse end.

I should have lied.

I even once lied my way out of a mental hospital.


Someone once said in my blog that we can always retract a lie, but never can we retract the truth. It's always there -- once you tell the truth, what more is there to say? I agree with this person...

...But I still know that lying is wrong. I know that there have been times when I should have told the truth when I didn't. At the same time, though, there are still times that I remember that lying was so crucial to my survival, or that I should have lied, that I can't really say that I believe that I will stop lying completely.

I can try my hardest... I can go into therapy... I can change who I am... But how can I change what I've seen in the past?


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Posted by Kim @ 11:03 AM PST

11 have spoken

I think you could have at least me told me some things instead of me finding out some other way. It bothers me but not so much anymore. But then again i aint so sure on whats up now so yeah, ill stop here.

there is so much i could say but since i dont know enough to say anything...

Posted by james @ 05/08/2002 03:41 AM PST

Lying's human. As babysharka said, lying's survival. *Puts on old codger's voice and pretends to be grown up and wise*. I lied a lot at your age - it was survival. Then, eventually, I was able to start living my life, not someone else's. It stopped being necessary to lie...mostly!

Posted by Gert [virtual dwelling] @ 05/07/2002 04:34 PM PST

Have you noticed how even the youngest children can lie? As soon as they can talk they know how to deny doing something they shouldn't have. It makes me think that lying is innate and not learned.

Posted by Vernon [e-meo] @ 05/05/2002 10:52 PM PST

Hm.... Hey Kim I just thought i drop by your site since I met you last nite but.... I read this and..... I just feel like I have to leave a comment... Yes People do lie but.... everyone has their reasons for lying it doesnt mean that their reasons for lying are valid but sometimes people lie in order to not hurt someone and etc... I am not going to say that I do not lie, but I try my best to be truthful. Because in the end I think everybody deserves a little bit of the truth

Posted by Jeff [e-meo] [virtual dwelling] @ 05/05/2002 06:32 PM PST

I don't think you should go thru theraoy. Being yourself, even if its lying, can be a good thing. I lie a lot, and I have no control over it. Sometimes its just a reaction to hide what we really want to say.

Posted by Joo-Ling [e-meo] @ 05/05/2002 02:56 PM PST

Interesting post.

You lie for survival; there are people who lie and get their ass landed into trouble anyway, so you're smarter than those types. And hell, there are people who tell the truth and it still lands them into trouble. Telling the truth is great, but being TOO honest is a fatal flaw.

Survival is one thing, but avoiding conflicts and issues just makes you less credible. It's those conflicts that makes your skin tougher. Truth is so hard to define, but I guess for me it's REALITY. Truth is (the reality is), people tell the truth, and they lie. So do you think I am a liar when I say I'm telling the truth? Whoa, that was so Zen.

What your friend says about always telling the truth is an ideal. The reality is that sh*t isn't so simple, it's not so black & white. If lying got you places, and telling the truth got me nowhere, then your friend can just shove it.

Posted by babysharka @ 05/05/2002 01:05 PM PST

you are looking at a lie as a free-standing act, unrelated to the rest of your life. the real affect of a lie is what it does to the trust that others have in you. without trust there is no friendship, without friendship there is no love.

Posted by ggscool [e-meo] @ 05/05/2002 07:18 AM PST

just don't lie to yourself.

Posted by ameer @ 05/05/2002 01:25 AM PST

When you find yourself lying, chances are good it's because you just want to save yourself a little time when dealing with idiots.

Posted by potch @ 05/03/2002 06:41 PM PST

i think for the longest time the only way i felt happy was to lie about myself... because i couldn't stand myself. but i think now i experience just the converse... i'm so satisfied with myself that i too readily give myself away in the form of the truth. and that's how i get hurt... because when someone knows you well, they know the best ways to hurt you.

i don't think i'll ever find that medium... but i haven't lied, a real lie... a big lie, in a long time. the biggest lies i really tell anymore are a long the lines of "wow, that looks cute on you." heh.

Posted by katie @ 05/03/2002 02:13 PM PST

someone pointed out to me that most people wouldn't find this as a valid excuse. i'm not really looking for an excuse to lie, i'm just explaining the reasons behind it. accept it or not i can't really force you to. all i can say is i'm trying my best. lying is still wrong, but so are a lot of things. just because you don't lie doesn't mean you don't do things that are just as bad or worse in other people's eyes.

Posted by kim @ 05/03/2002 11:27 AM PST

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